Loud and Clear

A few years ago it was time to buy our next vehicle. Jake had been driving his car going on 4 years with no air conditioning...in the south.  He would have driven it that way another 10 years, but when the airbag light always indicated malfunction, the antilock breaks no longer worked, and just about every other light on the dash indicated issues, we knew it was time. 

We thought long and hard about taking the minivan plunge, but in the end it was a great little light-blue, used, Toyota Highlander that Dave Ramsey said we could afford. And although I am in no way a “car person,” I see light-blue Highlanders all over the place now. This town is full of sporty red Corollas too...because that’s the car my parents purchased last year. 

It’s funny how when you are tuned into something, you see it everywhere. And I think that’s how it is sometimes with the voice of God. There is something He has spoken so clearly to me lately, and that is “I will not waste your pain.” 

Last week at church, our campus pastor preached the most timely sermon on pain. Fantastic message about how valleys in our life (periods of pain) are inevitable, unpredictable, impartial, temporary, and...purposeful. It was as he was making that last point that the tears came instantly, because “God does not waste my pain” was already the light-blue Highlander in my life. It wasn’t the first time I had recently heard it and it wasn’t the last. And for me, tears are what happen when I feel peace, relief, the love of God, encouraged by a friend. Wires in my brain are apparently crossed and I cry over what is good, and the sad or stressful things...well, my stomach revolts against my body, but no tears. 

I’m currently reading Lysa Terkeurst’s latest book “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way.” I had read another of her books not long ago, so when my mom and I were killing time between doctor appointments at a book store, I picked this one up to look at. Because I am totally that person who goes straight to the last page, I read her letter at the end that gave a life update. I had no clue she went through breast cancer and a double mastectomy last year (among other really tough things). I put the book back because I’m cheap and would never buy a book full retail price, but my momma went home, ordered it online, and gave it to me a couple days later. Moms are the best. As I was reading yesterday, I stopped dead in my tracks when the author told a story about how her counselor spoke these words to her: “What you are going through won’t be for nothing. Your hurt will not be wasted. It will be for the saving of many lives.”

More tears. I got it God, You won’t waste my pain. 

But the first time this promise showed up on my radar was this past September, 5 months before my diagnosis. I was on my way to my yearly girl doctor appointment and was feeling super emotional. My appointments are in the hospital where I gave birth to my first baby, where I went to countless pregnancy appointments, where I saw and heard tiny heartbeats on ultrasound. But not anymore. I was grieving the fact that we wouldn’t be having any more biological children, but even more, that our desires and intentions to adopt had been thwarted by darkness one year before. The emotions had me tense and stressed...also I was running late...the tension was very real and tangible in my shoulders and neck.

As I was practically running into the building, an older gentleman asked me if I was in a hurry. Clearly. I stopped and pulled it together just barely enough to say, “yes, but how can I help you?” He told me that he recently had hip surgery and asked if I would help him walk down the ramp. Of course I will. He grabbed hold of my arm and instantly started talking about God. I knew this was a divine appointment. As he spoke, every muscle in my body relaxed. Because of his condition, I was forced to physically slow down. And when my body slowed down, so did everything that was raging inside of me. 

He told me his story - about how he used to jump out of planes, but then there was an accident. He was told that he’d never walk again, yet here we were. And then he said, “God never wastes our pain.” Tears fell silently as I realized this was a direct message from God to me. We got to the row his car was on, and he stopped and asked if he could pray for me before we parted. Yes please. He said a brief prayer, kissed my forehead and walked away as I headed back toward the building. I turned around to see if he’d made it the rest of the way to his car, but he was gone. 

I think I may have encountered an actual angel. If not an angel, a man who was obviously led by the Holy Spirit. But whether he was of heaven or earth, he was God’s messanger to me that day. And oh was his message ever so true. It was the pain of the dark season I had been grieving that day, that has prepared me so well for this season. God has not wasted that pain; He has been faithful. So I have assurance that He will not waste the pain of my current season. 

One last thought that occurred to me.... In the Christian world, we talk a lot about how God “whispers” to us. If we are still enough, we can hear it. But I think there is only partial truth there. I believe that often times God SHOUTS to us, but we, through our deafness, only hear it as a whisper. Our deafness may be caused by pain, distractions, busyness, doubt, skepticism, unbelief, anger, bitterness...but God does speak to us...if only we’ll slow down, set our cares aside for a moment, and listen.