Today and Eternity

A glimpse inside my mind when I'm struggling: what if the chemo doesn't work? Ok, what if it does work, but not enough? The percentage they gave for "total response" was only 6% - that means that while it will certainly treat the cancer some, there's only a 6% chance that it would cure it completely. Ok, ok, but that's why we will still do surgery. But what if they can't get it all in the surgery - they said it was attached to muscle, and because I already had a double mastectomy there's not a lot of tissue to work with. Well, I guess that's why radiation may be an option again. But I always thought that once you had radiation on an area you couldn't do it on that area again? But the doctor said maybe they could - grey area. Too many grey areas. Ok, radiation wasn't a big deal for me the first time around; if I need to do it again, so be it. Hmmm, my cancer both times was on the left side though...the side where my heart is. Speaking of heart, the AC+T chemo regimen (the Adriamycin specifically) can damage your heart. Sheesh that's a whole lot of hits to the heart. Wait, my thoughts are running away again, I might not need radiation. Ok but after that, I'll need to be on another long-term medication to prevent another recurrence. The cancer I had both times was fed by hormones. I tolerated the tamoxifen for 5 years last time all right...but they said I can't do that one again; it wouldn't be as effective this time around. Dang hormones. I've always known in my heart of hearts estrogen is a problem in my body. I wonder what kinds of side effects I'll have with whatever medication I'll get this time. Don't Google it, Jenny. Or maybe Google it, just so you can be prepared. No! You know better than that! 

All that chaos and worry just simmers sometimes if I'm not careful to take every thought captive. It can just bounce around on repeat in the background of my mind, right below the surface. Behind a smile and fake eyelashes and drawn on eyebrows. Thankfully, I do have strategies to counteract the anxiety...I just need to realize that it's happening so that I can use them. 

I need time to stop and think about what I'm thinking about. Time to sit still and ask myself, "What is the internal dialogue right now?"

I need to push back on the automatic thoughts and inform my thinking. "Those aren't the only possible outcomes. It could be that the chemo does in fact rid my body of all cancer. The surgery could have a great outcome. Radiation could be completely unnecessary. My heart may very well make it through this unharmed. I did fine with tamoxifen, I'll probably do just fine with the next med as well." In short, I need to not catastrophize and realize that good outcomes are just as likely.

That's a good place to start...but it still leaves me in a place of thinking about unknowns. 

More importantly, I need scheduled time with the Lord every single day--time reading His Word and communicating with Him in prayer. Abiding in Him is what will allow my mind to stay on absolute truth instead of unknowns. 

When I get stuck, I need to ask, "What does Scripture say about these thoughts and worry in general?"

Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

1 Peter 5:6-10 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 

Worrying is never helpful. Even just thinking (without the full-on worry or anxiety) about the nebulous future, the unknowns, the what-ifs, is not very helpful. There's a time and place for educating myself and asking clarifying questions to the doctors and trusted friends so that I can make wise and informed decisions, but I need to put boundaries around those times. The rest of the time, I've found that the most beneficial, purpose-giving, and joy-inducing place to live and focus on is TODAY and ETERNITY, but not that grey and blurry space in-between the two.

Focusing on eternity gives me hope for tomorrow, peace for this moment, and purpose for today. 

Revelation 21: 3-7 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.

Focusing on the promise of what is to come for those who believe, letting my mind imagine and wander in that space, fills me with courage. It gives me peace. It literally can change my emotions if I can discipline my mind to stay there long enough.

Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I'm a "last page of the book reader." Once I'm invested in characters and their story, I just have to flip to the last page to know that it will all turn out right. Only then can I keep reading and enjoy the ups and downs of the story. And praise be to God, He told us the end of the story - and it's a good one for us who have committed our lives to Him! Knowing that I have the happiest of endings to look forward to helps me ride the waves getting there.

Keeping the end of the story in mind, I also focus on today. Right now. This moment. Every day is a gift, and none of us know how many tomorrows we have this side of heaven. 

In a practical way, sometimes when my mind starts to wander to that unknown tomorrow, I have to stop and remind myself, "yeah, but right now, you are perfectly fine." Sure, technically I have cancer, and I am in treatment for that. At the beginning of chemo, there were absolutely days when I was too sick to get out of bed. But so far, even on those really bad days, I wasn't actually dying yet and it was helpful to realize that even though I felt super bad. Now that I'm in the much easier part of treatment, I actually feel great most days and it's helpful to realize that too.

In a more full way, when I focus on today, I realize that I still have a mission while I'm on this earth.

Matthew 28:19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Acts 1:6-11 So when they had come together, they asked him, “Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom to Israel?” He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.” And when he had said these things, as they were looking on, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight. And while they were gazing into heaven as he went, behold, two men stood by them in white robes, and said, “Men of Galilee, why do you stand looking into heaven? This Jesus, who was taken up from you into heaven, will come in the same way as you saw him go into heaven.”

When I focus on eternity and how I am to live my today in light of that eternity, everything else just falls away. The things that seemed so pressing all of a sudden seem so small. They are put back in their proper place. 

I don't know how many days I have on this earth - neither do you. What I do know, is that while I'm here, I have a purpose and a mission, and it's to make sure that I tell as many people as I can about Jesus, so that they too can have the happy ending I will get to enjoy for all of eternity.