The Next Onion Layer (Part 2)

To summarize my previous post in one line: my most recent diagnosis has brought to my attention a deep-seated dread of suffering because I fear I will utterly cave to despair, but God showed me that should suffering happen (and it certainly will), He will be there to comfort me. 

The Guarantee of Suffering

There is a really dangerous philosophy and teaching out there that if you only believe enough, pray hard enough, give enough, be a good enough person, that God will reward you with health, wealth, happiness, and salvation. If only it worked that way; I could be the one in control. Unfortunately, control is an illusion, and for many, once they hit the hard reality that it doesn't work that way, they lose faith altogether. The good thing though is that my salvation doesn't depend on me being perfect enough! What a gift that He saves me on the basis of what Jesus did on the cross and all I have to do it put my faith in Him, choose to enter into a relationship, and follow Him. 

No matter how much I try to control things, though, life still sometimes brings suffering. It should never come as a surprise...throughout His Word, God has warned us of this reality:

• Genesis 3: 17b-19: cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”
• John 16: 32-33: Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
• 1 Peter 4:12:  Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.

The Assurance of Comfort

Suffering will come. As believers though, we have the promise that God Himself will comfort us. The anecdote to suffering is God's comfort. Like salve on a wound. The wound is real and doesn't go away instantly just because an ointment is placed on it. But the salve brings comfort in the present and leads to healing in the future. 

    Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

        I will fear no evil,

    for you are with me;

        your rod and your staff,

        they comfort me. - Psalm 23: 4

There will be moments, seasons of "walking through the valley of the shadow of death." The hope lies in the fact that He will be with us in the valley and there bring us comfort. 

The Comfort Lies in His Presence 

Psalm 23 does not say that "I will fear no evil" because there will be no evil present. It doesn't say that I will be teleported out of the valley of the shadow of death. No, it says that He will be with me as I walk through the valley. He will be with me in the pain, in the suffering, in the diagnosis, in the loss, in the hospital room, in all the hard. It's His presence that brings comfort (not the removal of that which is unpleasant). 

In my previous post I talked about how I've experience God's presence in two ways: the seen and the unseen. If we look back at John 16, Jesus Himself seemed to experience comfort in the unseen in His darkest hour, when suffering was beginning and all His friends were about to leave Him. He predicted to them: "and [you] will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me." This was similar to my experience in the hospital room - by myself yet not alone...because He is with me. If we are to suffer as Jesus suffered, the hope is that we will be comforted as Jesus was comforted. 

In the seen, in flesh and blood, God often shows us His presence through other believers, who have His Holy Spirit dwelling inside them. In just a couple months of walking through this current season of suffering, I've already experienced this kind of comfort in hundreds of ways! 

The day of my port surgery was the most dramatic and intense display of His presence, but there were so many others. Below is just a few of them...

• I got home from the hospital (after being admitted for flu and pneumonia) on Christmas Eve. On Christmas day, sometime in the evening, a friend dropped off the most amazing care basket from her woman's Bible study class. There were cards of encouragement, books, journals, comfort items like socks and skincare, pajamas, and so much more. Every item provided comfort whether emotional or physical, but perhaps the greatest comfort was just that they thought of me. And on Christmas day! The timing of the delivery was perhaps the greatest comfort of all.
• My sweet "cancer mentor," as I've called her for years, has also brought by comfort baskets a couple of times, each time staying a bit to chat and remind me of truth and all the helpful perspectives for each step of the journey. She's been here, she's walked where I'm having to walk, and it's such a comfort just to have someone who is willing to sit in it with you and say, "I know, I get it, and it's going to be ok." 
• One of the things that has broken my heart in this season was having to step away from teaching a class at my co-op and not being able to be there every Wednesday (in order to protect my immune system). My sweet community all got together and contributed to a giant gift basket, again filled with all things that bring comfort, and the sweetest part was that each student and mom made me a card. Oh, the joy and love I felt reading through each one! They truly left me in awe. God spoke to me through their words of encouragement and love in a way that absolutely melted my heart. I've read through them all multiple times.
• During one of my scans (I believe it was the CT of my chest, abdomen, pelvis), a nurse (while
  
  sticking needles in my arm) and I hit it off and found that we have a connection through my birthday of August 7th. Part of her job included asking why I was in for this scan, and she was sympathetic when I told her breast cancer for a second time. Fortunately, I wasn't overly emotional that day, and I was able to share how even in this God has been good. It became clear that she was also a believer. After doing her part of the visit, she showed me to the CT room, had me put my stuff down, got me situated on the table, and said goodbye (someone else took it from there). When
  
  the scan was over and I gathered my belongings, I saw that she had left a handmade card that said "God is amazingly able to help you." This kind gesture that day led not only to comfort but also JOY! That day, walking out of the hospital where I had been to get a scan to see if cancer had spread to other parts of my body, I felt genuine joy because of this sweet card. For whatever reason, it was all I could focus on during the drive home... not the cancer, not the pending results of the scan, but this sweet stranger who is a sister in Christ and the message of hope that she shared.
• Another stranger/sister story happened on a random day checking the mail. There was a card for me that was clearly a personal note and not junk mail though I didn't recognize the return address. When I opened it, what I found was the sweetest letter of encouragement from a group of ladies whom I've never met yet are praying for me in Florida. It turns out that the connection is through my friend's mom (who I have met). She and her prayer group have been faithfully praying and sent me this sweet card to let me know. It's another one of those reminders of God's presence that I am treasuring.
• Speaking of Florida, my homeland, though they are not near physically, my extended family on both sides have reached out multiple times sending messages, gifts, prayers. And my dear life-long friend and former roommate has texted me literally every single morning to send encouragement for the day and Scripture. 
• On the day of my first chemo treatment, as I sat down in that chair, I got a little weepy. It had been such a buildup getting to that point, and I was emotionally spent. Two nurses (who go to my church, and I had met prior to all this!) instantly knelt down beside me, held my hands, and prayed for me. God met me in the chemo room through these two angels! They have continued to minister to me in both the physical and spiritual through my chemo treatment thus far. There's no place God won't go to be with us! The nurse practitioner has also gone above and beyond - turns out she is also a believer. Not. Even. Surprised at this point. Who else would call me and text me from her cell phone when I am struggling with symptoms? Who else but a sister in Christ would call in prescriptions late at night when she's not even the one on call? And then there's the sweet sister and fellow homeschool mom who is the oncology pharmacist - the one who gets my premeds and chemo drugs ready. I didn't even realize she worked there until my first day of chemo when my nurse brought over the med bags to show me how the pharmacist had put faith-based stickers all over them for me. This cancer center, these women, have truly been the hands and feet of Jesus to me. What could have been the darkest location on earth to me has been such a bright shining light because there are believers there who see their vocation not as a job but an opportunity to share the love of Christ.

God has truly comforted me! I am so thankful that He has shown me His presence through so many amazing people!