Reflections On School, Anxiety and Redemption
It's that time of year again...the time where we reflect, pray, meditate, and consider where God has led us thus far and where He is leading us next. We look back over the triumphs and trials of the past year, and we plan for the next chapter.
What's interesting to me is that in the midst of all the crazy and chaos that was this past school year (see previous post), somehow we were still able to homeschool. There were days I could barely move because of chest pain, yet school still happened. There were days I was afraid to leave my house for fear of having "an episode," yet school still happened. There were days I was weepy for seemingly no reason, weak from physical and mental exhaustion, and yet still school happened. I say "somehow we were still able to homeschool," but I know exactly what (or rather who), that was and why that was the case.
There's this saying in church world that goes like this: "if God has called you to it, He will see you through it." And another one like it: "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called." (or something to that effect, you get the gist) I'm not one who loves cliches, and some of the "church-y ones" downright irk me, however, from my perspective, these seem to be at play in our journey. My mom actually reminded me of these when things were starting to fall apart with our adoption plans. That door closed for now, yet the homeschooling one remained open. Both I believed to be callings at the time, and perhaps both were (time will tell). But for now, I will continue to faithfully pursue the one of which we are still sure - the one God has continued to bring us through.
I've said from the beginning that I don't believe homeschooling is for everyone, nor do I believe God calls all Christians to this path. If God's plan is to love and save the world, and we as Christians are His messengers, then I imagine He'd want to spread us out a bit- to strategically place us throughout creation, communities, and cultures. I am confident though, that at this time, in this place, with the children He has specifically entrusted to me, this is where He has asked our family to be. And so, I believe it was the Holy Spirit within me that somehow kept things going when it was beyond my own strength to do so. I believe He called me to this path for a reason, and that He will give me what I need, sometimes moment by moment, to fulfill what He has asked me to do.
Homeschooling is hard. Staying home full-time is hard. But also, working outside of the home full-time is hard. Working outside the home part-time is hard. Staying home but working a home business is hard. Working in ministry is hard. Working in the business world is hard. Being a foreign missionary is hard. Being a missionary in your own neighborhood is hard. Being a mother is hard. Being single is hard. Not knowing what you want to be when you grow up is hard. Learning to read is hard. Paying off debt is hard. Living with difficult people is hard. Having relationships with people who have differing opinions is hard. BOTTOM LINE: LIFE IS HARD.
BUT LIFE IS ALSO BEAUTIFUL. The irony is that it's often in the hard things that we also find the most beautiful moments. An example for my seven year old: it's in the difficulty of reading and decoding words that we meet interesting characters and inspiring stories. In every season, in every circumstance, in every calling, in every mission, in every trial....there is also beauty....but you have to be willing to search for it. You have to believe and know that it's there and then take the steps to seek it out. You have to choose to take every thought captive. (As someone who has dealt with true anxiety vs "normal" stress, I can say that controlling your thoughts can be absolutely exhausting and at times even seem downright impossible, but it's a discipline worth exploring and diligently working towards.)
My mother-in-law introduced me to the idea of "A.N.Ts" in my brain (gross but accurate image), which is an acronym for "automatic negative thoughts." When I am aware of my involuntary thought processes I can identify ANTs, correct the lies that may be at play, and choose to pursue a positive thought instead. I also recently read a book called "How to Lead When You're Not in Charge" by Clay Scroggins. Chapter 5 was all about choosing positivity. He said that positivity is a character trait that takes discipline and is developed with intentionality over time rather than a personality type or disposition to which some people are just more inclined. Mind. Blown.!
And so it is, that we live in the muck and in the beauty, and we can choose the lense through which we view the events of this world and this life. And the lense of God as an unconditionally loving, compasssionate, dedicated and engaged Father has made all the difference for me and for so many others who cling to the same hope. The lense of Jesus taking on the punishment for my brokeness and sinfulness so that I can live a life of freedom and joy has transformed how I see everything and how we function day-to-day.
I have decided that 2nd grade will be our best year yet. This summer, though busier than I would have liked, has provided some amazing pockets of time for healthy and challenging conversations with my girl. I have seen encouraging growth in her - not in phonics decoding, addition or subtraction - but in heart issues, which is the greatest value for us and part of the reason we chose this path. I also feel confident about the coming year for another reason. The one year I taught in public school...the year I first experienced debilitating anxiety...the year darkness was around me and within me...I taught 2nd grade. I believe in and serve a God who redeems broken dreams and broken people like me. He has already redeemed my failed teaching experience by allowing me to homeschool my children - not at all when or how I thought I would teach. I just know He will continue to work His redemption as I get a do-over of 2nd grade.
As a closing point, I do my best in life to base my beliefs on concrete scripture rather than feelings, opinions, cliches, good vibes, karma, rainbows and unicorns. To that end, here's some inspiration I've come across over the past however long that I wanted to share. Enjoy!
What's interesting to me is that in the midst of all the crazy and chaos that was this past school year (see previous post), somehow we were still able to homeschool. There were days I could barely move because of chest pain, yet school still happened. There were days I was afraid to leave my house for fear of having "an episode," yet school still happened. There were days I was weepy for seemingly no reason, weak from physical and mental exhaustion, and yet still school happened. I say "somehow we were still able to homeschool," but I know exactly what (or rather who), that was and why that was the case.
There's this saying in church world that goes like this: "if God has called you to it, He will see you through it." And another one like it: "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called." (or something to that effect, you get the gist) I'm not one who loves cliches, and some of the "church-y ones" downright irk me, however, from my perspective, these seem to be at play in our journey. My mom actually reminded me of these when things were starting to fall apart with our adoption plans. That door closed for now, yet the homeschooling one remained open. Both I believed to be callings at the time, and perhaps both were (time will tell). But for now, I will continue to faithfully pursue the one of which we are still sure - the one God has continued to bring us through.
I've said from the beginning that I don't believe homeschooling is for everyone, nor do I believe God calls all Christians to this path. If God's plan is to love and save the world, and we as Christians are His messengers, then I imagine He'd want to spread us out a bit- to strategically place us throughout creation, communities, and cultures. I am confident though, that at this time, in this place, with the children He has specifically entrusted to me, this is where He has asked our family to be. And so, I believe it was the Holy Spirit within me that somehow kept things going when it was beyond my own strength to do so. I believe He called me to this path for a reason, and that He will give me what I need, sometimes moment by moment, to fulfill what He has asked me to do.
Homeschooling is hard. Staying home full-time is hard. But also, working outside of the home full-time is hard. Working outside the home part-time is hard. Staying home but working a home business is hard. Working in ministry is hard. Working in the business world is hard. Being a foreign missionary is hard. Being a missionary in your own neighborhood is hard. Being a mother is hard. Being single is hard. Not knowing what you want to be when you grow up is hard. Learning to read is hard. Paying off debt is hard. Living with difficult people is hard. Having relationships with people who have differing opinions is hard. BOTTOM LINE: LIFE IS HARD.
BUT LIFE IS ALSO BEAUTIFUL. The irony is that it's often in the hard things that we also find the most beautiful moments. An example for my seven year old: it's in the difficulty of reading and decoding words that we meet interesting characters and inspiring stories. In every season, in every circumstance, in every calling, in every mission, in every trial....there is also beauty....but you have to be willing to search for it. You have to believe and know that it's there and then take the steps to seek it out. You have to choose to take every thought captive. (As someone who has dealt with true anxiety vs "normal" stress, I can say that controlling your thoughts can be absolutely exhausting and at times even seem downright impossible, but it's a discipline worth exploring and diligently working towards.)
My mother-in-law introduced me to the idea of "A.N.Ts" in my brain (gross but accurate image), which is an acronym for "automatic negative thoughts." When I am aware of my involuntary thought processes I can identify ANTs, correct the lies that may be at play, and choose to pursue a positive thought instead. I also recently read a book called "How to Lead When You're Not in Charge" by Clay Scroggins. Chapter 5 was all about choosing positivity. He said that positivity is a character trait that takes discipline and is developed with intentionality over time rather than a personality type or disposition to which some people are just more inclined. Mind. Blown.!
And so it is, that we live in the muck and in the beauty, and we can choose the lense through which we view the events of this world and this life. And the lense of God as an unconditionally loving, compasssionate, dedicated and engaged Father has made all the difference for me and for so many others who cling to the same hope. The lense of Jesus taking on the punishment for my brokeness and sinfulness so that I can live a life of freedom and joy has transformed how I see everything and how we function day-to-day.
I have decided that 2nd grade will be our best year yet. This summer, though busier than I would have liked, has provided some amazing pockets of time for healthy and challenging conversations with my girl. I have seen encouraging growth in her - not in phonics decoding, addition or subtraction - but in heart issues, which is the greatest value for us and part of the reason we chose this path. I also feel confident about the coming year for another reason. The one year I taught in public school...the year I first experienced debilitating anxiety...the year darkness was around me and within me...I taught 2nd grade. I believe in and serve a God who redeems broken dreams and broken people like me. He has already redeemed my failed teaching experience by allowing me to homeschool my children - not at all when or how I thought I would teach. I just know He will continue to work His redemption as I get a do-over of 2nd grade.
As a closing point, I do my best in life to base my beliefs on concrete scripture rather than feelings, opinions, cliches, good vibes, karma, rainbows and unicorns. To that end, here's some inspiration I've come across over the past however long that I wanted to share. Enjoy!
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