First Grade: Lessons on Health, Art, Music, & Missions
Where to even begin? There's a reason I haven't written any posts for L's first grade year... life happened.
The year 2017 started out with lots of energy and excitement as we pursued what we believed to be God's purpose and vision for our family through international adoption. When I learned that India is only barely behind China in population yet has more orphans than any other country in the world, is noticeably smaller in land mass, only about 2% of the people are Christians, and there is widespread, violent persecution of those Christians, I quickly went from wanting another baby to passionate about offering the life-changing hope of Jesus to at least one...
(learn more: https://www.opendoorsusa.org/, https://www.persecution.com/)
I was firing on all cylinders at the speed of light, knocking out the mountains of adoption paperwork and training. The goal was to have all of our end of the process checked off in record time over the summer while we were on break from school. I was leaning into God and the support of family and friends, and everything was going fine. THEN, the downward spiral of darkness happened.
HEALTH: I started feeling some wheezing in my chest...which led to moments of feeling short of breath... which led to feeling like I was about to pass out (I've passed out several times in my life, so it's a sensation I'm all too familiar with)... which led to some ER visits...
Turns out even good stress is still stress.
Long story short, I still don't know if the physical caused the mental or the mental caused the physical. But, I found out I have lots of untreated allergies, and I was having panic attacks. Funny thing about panic attacks is that apparently they are a very physical experience that can happen quite unexpectedly without any conscious thoughts preceding them. I found a phenomenal article that put words to everything I was feeling (https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/panic-attacks-and-panic-disorders.htm).
Once I pinpointed what I was dealing with I was able to start down the road to healing. I got on some medication - for allergies and for anxiety, talked to a counselor, and following the lead of some amazing Christian women at church was able to identify through prayer some of the lies in my thought patterns. During that time, I realized that God was asking me to be still and teaching me how to just BE. He was also teaching me some foundational truths that I knew in my head but somehow didn't translate to my heart and therefore weren't being lived out in my life...things like grace and God's overwhelmingly unconditional love for His children. (Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist was a phenomenal book!)
In the midst of the healing process, we asked our adoption agency if we could hit "pause" for a couple months to let life level back out. They denied that request... and closed our file. And that was that.
I have beat this thing to death spiritually and theologically. I may never know if this was God's doing, or intervening, or testing...or if it was true spiritual warfare... or if it was my own pride/sin and failure... or if it was just the nature of a fallen world. I've decided not to dwell on figuring it out and instead just figure out how to move forward with all the lessons, pain, and hints of hope I acquired during this time.
ART: My big girl turned 7 this year. Truly gifted with creative energy, all she wanted to do on her birthday was paint. So we got out all our supplies, a blank canvas, and fired up an episode of Bob Ross (it's on Netflix!). She picked an episode that would result in a beautiful painting of a little cabin next to a waterfall in the woods - lots of greens, blues, and a little brown. We were shocked to see that the first step was to paint the bottom half of the canvas all black. As we added various shades of grays and dark greens to the white half, she kept questioning me to be sure I had pushed play on the right episode. I told her that although our picture looked like a huge dark mess, the master artist, who had lots of experience (and killer hair!), had a plan. It didn't make sense to us yet, but if we trusted him and followed his lead, our mess would eventually turn into something beautiful. It wasn't until the words had left my mouth that I realized this was a lesson for ME. My life in 2017 looked like a huge mess, but if I would just trust the master artist and continue to follow His lead, he would turn it into something beautiful. The mess would be redeemed, repurposed, recreated.
MUSIC: I consider myself to be a "highly sensitive person" - something I realized when I read the book The Highly Sensitive Child. As such, music speaks to me deeply and can actually have an impact on my emotions. I lost track of how many songs I just sobbed through at church during the dark period. On the flip side though, there were so many songs that touched my soul and reminded me of the hope I have as a follower of Christ. As the clouds started to part and rays of sunlight shined through, I discovered my new favorite band - Rend Collective. Remember that scene in Titanic where the viewer saw that the party was with the real people below the decks? Every.Single.Song! This is the music that inspired me to look for the moments of joy in the midst of pain and then celebrate those moments. Life is Beautiful is my current favorite!
MISSIONS: Every year, instead of a list of New Year's resolutions, I choose one word on which to focus. (Check out the book One Word for more on that.) After spending some time reflecting in prayer, the word I need to focus on for the coming year is usually pretty obvious. This year it was a passage from Scripture instead of a single word. I realized that although the adoption didn't move forward at this time, I still had two precious girls at home who God gave specifically to me. They are my mission field. (My anthem for this mission is Build Your Kingdom Here!)
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness. ~ Proverbs 31: 25-27
MOVING FORWARD: Somewhere in the midst of the grieving, God reminded me that this "adoption fail" is not my first broken dream. I went through something similar to this right out of college. I had just spent four years of blood, sweat, and tears earning my teaching degree, and during my first year teaching I experienced overwhelming anxiety, sleeplessness, and as it turns out in hindsight, panic attacks. I quit teaching and never looked back... until 10 years later when my first baby was entering kindergarten. God redeemed that broken dream by allowing me to teach my girls at home. It wasn't WHEN or HOW I expected it, but He did use my education experience for unbelievable good. I know and trust He will do the same with my adoption experience. I don't know WHEN or HOW, but I do know that this is not the end of my story... it is only the beginning. To sum up my current mindset in song, check out the video below!
The year 2017 started out with lots of energy and excitement as we pursued what we believed to be God's purpose and vision for our family through international adoption. When I learned that India is only barely behind China in population yet has more orphans than any other country in the world, is noticeably smaller in land mass, only about 2% of the people are Christians, and there is widespread, violent persecution of those Christians, I quickly went from wanting another baby to passionate about offering the life-changing hope of Jesus to at least one...
(learn more: https://www.opendoorsusa.org/, https://www.persecution.com/)
I was firing on all cylinders at the speed of light, knocking out the mountains of adoption paperwork and training. The goal was to have all of our end of the process checked off in record time over the summer while we were on break from school. I was leaning into God and the support of family and friends, and everything was going fine. THEN, the downward spiral of darkness happened.
HEALTH: I started feeling some wheezing in my chest...which led to moments of feeling short of breath... which led to feeling like I was about to pass out (I've passed out several times in my life, so it's a sensation I'm all too familiar with)... which led to some ER visits...
Turns out even good stress is still stress.
Long story short, I still don't know if the physical caused the mental or the mental caused the physical. But, I found out I have lots of untreated allergies, and I was having panic attacks. Funny thing about panic attacks is that apparently they are a very physical experience that can happen quite unexpectedly without any conscious thoughts preceding them. I found a phenomenal article that put words to everything I was feeling (https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/panic-attacks-and-panic-disorders.htm).
Once I pinpointed what I was dealing with I was able to start down the road to healing. I got on some medication - for allergies and for anxiety, talked to a counselor, and following the lead of some amazing Christian women at church was able to identify through prayer some of the lies in my thought patterns. During that time, I realized that God was asking me to be still and teaching me how to just BE. He was also teaching me some foundational truths that I knew in my head but somehow didn't translate to my heart and therefore weren't being lived out in my life...things like grace and God's overwhelmingly unconditional love for His children. (Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist was a phenomenal book!)
In the midst of the healing process, we asked our adoption agency if we could hit "pause" for a couple months to let life level back out. They denied that request... and closed our file. And that was that.
I have beat this thing to death spiritually and theologically. I may never know if this was God's doing, or intervening, or testing...or if it was true spiritual warfare... or if it was my own pride/sin and failure... or if it was just the nature of a fallen world. I've decided not to dwell on figuring it out and instead just figure out how to move forward with all the lessons, pain, and hints of hope I acquired during this time.
ART: My big girl turned 7 this year. Truly gifted with creative energy, all she wanted to do on her birthday was paint. So we got out all our supplies, a blank canvas, and fired up an episode of Bob Ross (it's on Netflix!). She picked an episode that would result in a beautiful painting of a little cabin next to a waterfall in the woods - lots of greens, blues, and a little brown. We were shocked to see that the first step was to paint the bottom half of the canvas all black. As we added various shades of grays and dark greens to the white half, she kept questioning me to be sure I had pushed play on the right episode. I told her that although our picture looked like a huge dark mess, the master artist, who had lots of experience (and killer hair!), had a plan. It didn't make sense to us yet, but if we trusted him and followed his lead, our mess would eventually turn into something beautiful. It wasn't until the words had left my mouth that I realized this was a lesson for ME. My life in 2017 looked like a huge mess, but if I would just trust the master artist and continue to follow His lead, he would turn it into something beautiful. The mess would be redeemed, repurposed, recreated.
MUSIC: I consider myself to be a "highly sensitive person" - something I realized when I read the book The Highly Sensitive Child. As such, music speaks to me deeply and can actually have an impact on my emotions. I lost track of how many songs I just sobbed through at church during the dark period. On the flip side though, there were so many songs that touched my soul and reminded me of the hope I have as a follower of Christ. As the clouds started to part and rays of sunlight shined through, I discovered my new favorite band - Rend Collective. Remember that scene in Titanic where the viewer saw that the party was with the real people below the decks? Every.Single.Song! This is the music that inspired me to look for the moments of joy in the midst of pain and then celebrate those moments. Life is Beautiful is my current favorite!
MISSIONS: Every year, instead of a list of New Year's resolutions, I choose one word on which to focus. (Check out the book One Word for more on that.) After spending some time reflecting in prayer, the word I need to focus on for the coming year is usually pretty obvious. This year it was a passage from Scripture instead of a single word. I realized that although the adoption didn't move forward at this time, I still had two precious girls at home who God gave specifically to me. They are my mission field. (My anthem for this mission is Build Your Kingdom Here!)
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness. ~ Proverbs 31: 25-27
MOVING FORWARD: Somewhere in the midst of the grieving, God reminded me that this "adoption fail" is not my first broken dream. I went through something similar to this right out of college. I had just spent four years of blood, sweat, and tears earning my teaching degree, and during my first year teaching I experienced overwhelming anxiety, sleeplessness, and as it turns out in hindsight, panic attacks. I quit teaching and never looked back... until 10 years later when my first baby was entering kindergarten. God redeemed that broken dream by allowing me to teach my girls at home. It wasn't WHEN or HOW I expected it, but He did use my education experience for unbelievable good. I know and trust He will do the same with my adoption experience. I don't know WHEN or HOW, but I do know that this is not the end of my story... it is only the beginning. To sum up my current mindset in song, check out the video below!
Such a beautifully raw and inspiring post. I love reading your words, it takes me to a place in my mind where I can hear your voice telling me these tales and lessons. I can feel the warm FL air blowing on my face and smell the cut grass beneath us as we lay on the hill next to Building 25 and just chat about life. I miss those days so very deep down in my heart but am so thankful we are still in each others lives by phone and text. Keep writing, I love reading it!- Chancie
ReplyDeleteOh man, those days were some of the greatest highlights of my life! I love that I can pick up my phone any time to call or text you and it’s like no time has passed and there are no miles between us!
ReplyDeleteJenny, your faith in God and your submission to His will is so encouraging. Every part of your statement glories God. Thank you for being so transparent and honest.
ReplyDelete